While the two hands of most bipeds will work perfectly in moving piles on-the-go, you may also find it useful to carry a spoon or a small shovel or spade. Carrying around these pile migration tools will help to keep you clean as you continue upon your busy day, in which appearance is, no doubt, of great importance. And of course a wider range of tools allows for a greater range of pile matter that may be moved.

telepathic

  Telepathy, the most controversial of the pile migration methods mentioned in this book, offers the skilled mover a most exhilarating approach to defeating capitalism. While scientifically disputable, the practice of telepathy has been observed and documented in such films as Phenomenon, Powder, X-Men and of course the ground-breaking Star Wars pictures. It is difficult to explain this approach to pile migration within the confines of this sub-section, but we will attempt to provide a few tips for beginning trans-substantialists.

  It goes without saying that this method of pile movement is the most impressive and is guaranteed to draw attention to our motivations. In addition, telepathic pile movement can also act as a launching point to immense personal notoriety and acclaim.

  There is a great deal of suspect literature devoted to the practice of telepathy, to avoid passing on illegitimate information we will stick to the proven techniques of David Blaine and Luke Skywalker. Blaine, a popular street magician, uses illusion, presumably, to manipulate the natural world with his mind. It merits mentioning that the illusion of telepathy is still telepathy, so distinguishing between actual mental projection and mental trickery is pointless. The natural world uses trickery to deceive us, why shouldn't we do the same in return? Skywalker, on the other hand, uses a technique based upon intense concentration and a fictional universal unity that bonds all matter in an imperceptible harmony.

  Using illusion to move piles requires a well-practiced “sleight of hand,” a dozen rolls of nylon string, hours of preparation, an electric weighted pulley system, a cloudy day and a cunning tongue. These tools of the telepathic illusionist are not easy to come by and may take years to fully master. As demonstrated in the diagram on the following page, the teleporter will activate pre-conditioned pile matter to sail across the sky via an overhead pulley contraption. At the same time, the teleporter most avert the attention of onlookers from the apparatus doing the “teleporting” and instead, focus their attention on the defeat of capitalism.